Selflessness through Self-Care, Self-Compassion and Self-Development

By Nadja Conaghan

Selflessness - a heroic Act of Kindness to create a better and value-driven World

When we think of selflessness, we often think of extreme and heroic acts of kindness towards others sacrificing our own comfort and needs. What does selflessness mean? According to Oxford Dictionary, selflessness is defined as “the quality of caring more about what other people need and want than about what you yourself need and want“. Selflessness is a noble act, and many of us may say that we need more selfless people than ever in this world.

A family story comes to mind when I hear the word “selflessness”. It’s the story of my dad and his family trying to survive as refugees after WWII. My grandmother with three young children under the age of 10 had to overcome adversity and hardship whilst she was trying to protect her children and to stay strong. My grandfather was still missing at the time. After a long journey throughout Europe, my grandmother and her children lived in a little shed at a farm with hardly any food and no coal facing a cold and harsh winter. My grandmother worked hard and never complained. She always let her children eat first and always ate last. Often she gave her small portion to the kids - pretending she wasn’t hungry and that she has already eaten. There were days when she hasn’t eaten even a single crumb. Fortunately, a kind and compassionate farmer sometimes left a bucket of food and coal at the door when he passed by. True acts of selflessness and kindness.

Selflessness nowadays comes in the form of giving your time, attention and energy to others - working overtime; helping someone in the team who struggles; volunteering for a good cause; looking after a dependant as their main carer; or being a good friend to someone who goes through hardship. Sometimes there is no time left for yourself and your own needs - e.g. quality time with the family, time for exercising or hobbies, or even sleep. And sometimes extreme forms of selflessness can become an unhealthy and self-destructive life style when we do not look after ourselves.

Selflessness as a Form of Self-Destruction?

However, I believe that in our society we tend to have an unhealthy understanding of selflessness is. Some view putting themselves first as a form of selfishness, and often feel guilty when they do so. Often selfless people believe it is selfish to do something just for themselves. Especially professionals in the health(care) and educational industries tend to put themselves often last which may is linked to the nature of and personality of these professionals. They care for and about others - a lot -; and feel a sense of responsibility to do even if this means that they compromise on their own needs. “Selfless” people tend to volunteer for more responsibilities to help others - even though these self-elected responsibilities might be beyond their current capacity and/or capability.

This can cause extreme and chronic stress. Unmanaged stress can negatively impact their personal (physical and mental) health, wellbeing and social relationships - temporary and long-term. Selfless people may be more prone to stress-related health conditions such as burnout, depression and anxieties.

“You can't pour from an empty cup.” - Norm Kelly

How can you be the best version of yourself and support others if “your cup is empty“?